The Beginning Of My Journey

I get up in the morning and I start the new day. I must roll up onto my side. I cannot sit up like a normal person. I am so large now. As I get up, my feet start to hurt from the weight, then my knees hurt. It takes me a minute to get my balance. I wait for the pain to start to ease up. I start to waddle to the steps. Now is the time for me to go down the stairs. As if I do not have enough pain now to deal with, going down the stairs adds extra pain from the weight of the body on the bending knees. I start to go down the stairs with a grimace on my face from each step. I make it to the bottom of the stairs, and now I am puffing slightly.

This is the start of my day as 336 pounds. I waddle to the kitchen to start my tea. As the tea percolates, I take a shower to get ready to go work out in the pool. As I wash my body, and shave my legs, and armpits, I am taking everything I must to reach these areas. My huge stomach is in the way along with my big boobs. I must lift my stomach to get under the roll. When I am done, I get out of the shower. I look at myself in the mirror. How did I get to this point? That is a long story.

I am diagnosed with daily chronic headaches mixed with severe migraines. I have 17 to 25 migraines a month. The migraines are caused by the weather. The more severe the weather, the more severe the migraines. After trying to control them at home, I headed to the emergency room to get drugged up. Then grab a bite to eat and go to bed for the day. Soon the weight started to go on and I could not be active enough to work it off.

I also love food. There is not much food that I do not like. Yes, I am also a stress eater. I eat when I am under stress. The weight kept going on. Now after having to go to a catalog to order clothing because nowhere in the local stores are my sizes. I am now wearing 26W pants and 5X tops.

I start to get ready. Pulling on the swimsuit is a nightmare. Pulling and tugging it up the legs, then pulling and tugging it up over the belly. I am winded but I must finish getting ready. After the swimsuit is on, I finish dressing. I will not get ready at the pool and let everyone see me struggling to get into the suit. I must sit down and put my socks and shoes on. This is a struggle. Trying to reach around my belly to pull my leg up by the pants legs. I put it on the other leg and get my sock and shoe on. I must use the pant leg of the pants to lower the leg. Now the other leg. After the shoes are on now is the time to go.

I make my tea and grab my purse and pool bag. I walked out the door carrying all my things. By the time I get to the van, I am already worn out. Thank God for the half an hour's drive.

I get out of the van to go work out. I struggle to get out of my clothes and shoes. I am conscious of who is around me and that I am not taking up too much room. I must be careful my bottom is not in someone’s face, or I am bumping into someone. I must watch my every move. I picked up my stuff and put it in the locker.

Now the hard part of the day. I must walk out in front of everyone to get into the pool. I try to wrap my towel around my body and walk to the pool. I have bought the largest beach towels there are, and they will not go around me. I must hold the ends of the towel together. I walk out to the pool and remove my towel. I feel all the eyes on me. I got my barbells and pool noodle. I must get the largest noodle, or it will not hold up my weight in the pool.

The class begins. I start following the directions. My body is burning up and hurting but I keep working out. I will not let anyone see me hurting or slowing down. When the class is over, I walk up the steps to put my equipment up. My legs are rubber, and my arms barely move, but I must get home and shower. I towel off after the shower as much as I can and struggle back into my clothes. I cannot wait to get home and hide from the eyes of everyone watching me. I walk out of the locker room feeling the eyes of everyone in the gym following me.

I got in the van and let out a sigh. I have half an hour to get home, so now I can rest for a few minutes. The drive home is hard. How did I let myself get this big? Will I ever lose weight? I am following the doctor’s diet, yet the weight will not come off. I am doing everything I can, and I am still big. The tears slide down my face. When I get home after my shower, I start to get dressed. Deodorant under my belly to keep it from getting sore. Then to finish getting ready. I must drop several items on the floor and must bend over. I must hang onto the sink. This is the hardest thing for me to do. With the weight, I cannot squat like a normal person. My back is hurting from the weight of the stomach pulling down. I pick up the items and put them back on the counter. I am already worn out.

Day after day I face this problem. Then the once-a-week weigh-in. If I am lucky, I will lose weight. First two pounds, then maybe five. Soon after four months, I lost 25 pounds. I am getting stronger, and the days are getting better. I am so happy with what I have done.

Then it happens. Something in the stress comes along. I start eating. I find comfort in the food around me. The weight goes back on plus more. I started it all over again. I try diet after diet, and nothing works. I investigated bariatric at a clinic, and they told me the diet the doctor had me on was all wrong. I must see this doctor and this doctor. I must pass this test after this test. My insurance does not cover part of these. Well to work with this clinic you must have all these tests. I walk away brokenhearted and give up.

Finally, the inevitable happens. The doctor looks at me. “You have five years or less to live. What do you want to do?”

I went to the pool that day and met a new friend. She tells me she went to Iowa City and had hers done there. You do not have to jump through hoops to get it done. My hope rises, but I will not be hurt again by refusal.

I go to my doctor for a check-up and tell him, “I want to go to Iowa City for bariatric.” This is the start of a new life and a new start of hope.

I work with the doctor up there, and soon some weight drops off. As the weight drops, my confidence rises. I passed all obstacles that there were and was approved for surgery. It was hard because my family was against it. I could do it.

Just eat less, exercise more, and put your mind to it. I had tried this over and over.

Surgery was scheduled and the day arrived. When I was in the room waiting for surgery, I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I knew I was.

The Chaplain came into our room after I was ready for surgery. She asked me if I had any concerns. I told her no. It was a tough struggle, but I was ready for the next stage in my life. She said a prayer for me. I was soon whisked into surgery. I knew in my heart as they put me to sleep, that I was doing it for me. That was the main reason I did this. It was for me. I would have a better life and I would be able to do so much more. God had me in his hands and I would make it through this with his help.

336 pounds my heaviest